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"We accept the love we think we deserve"

You can hear a quote a million times in a single lifetime but not truly understand what it means until you've finished an entire bottle of wine, and it hits you. Just like that. It's probably the wine over exaggerating everything right now, but at this point, who cares? 


My sister was watching the Perks of Being a Wallflower on Netflix while I was busy talking to someone I met online. So, I was on a video chat with this girl who happened to be too occupied to have a decent conversation with me. It was a random moment when I heard Paul Rudd say "we accept the love, we think we deserve." I didn't even know that quote came from that book, I literally had to search it on google just to make sure. 


So anyway, it was at that moment that I realized what the quote meant for me. You see, I recently went through a break up that I never thought I could ever get over. I'm not saying I'm over it a hundred percent, but I am better, and I know that I'm doing better day by day. I guess I thought that for three years, I deserved that type of love. Based on my previous relationships, it was the best that I've ever had so far, no doubt. So naturally, I thought that was it, I thought she was it.


So I tried to work hard for a future that I was planning for the both of us. I was excited to spend the rest of my days with her. But the thing is, she never was, at least she never really told me that she was, too. 


She had other priorities, which I understood. I don't want to be that person who stopped her from following her dreams and reaching her goals in life. She had a plan before me, and if she wants to pursue those plans, who am I to stop her? I wanted her to be happy, I wanted her to feel that I supported her every step of the way. I accepted everything because I loved her and I didn't want to lose her. 


But the thing is, I had plans, too. I had dreams before I met her. I had goals that I wanted to achieve, just like she did. Accepting everything she wanted to do, contradicted with everything that I wanted to do. So, every time we argue about this, she'd say that I don't support her. She'd say that I was being selfish. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, but think about that one thing you always wanted since you were a kid but never got even now. For most, it would be some random type of toy/book/etc. that they begged their parents to buy for them but never got. For me, it's being able to move out, start a life and a family of my own. 


Yes, I'm young. No, I'm not in a rush. The only thing I ever wanted was assurance, that after all the waiting, after all the sacrifices, that she will come through for me. And that's when things went south for me. I slowly accepted the fact that she may never want/ could settle down. I loved her with every fiber of my being, but my heart just couldn't wait forever. 


And now I'm realizing that I don't deserve that type of love, neither did she. If we were able to love each other that much, I can't imagine how we'd be if it's with the person that we were actually meant to spend the rest of our days with. We had an incredible, unforgettable run. We fought battles I never thought we could win, we crawled our way in and out of our long distance relationship, and we chose to stay more times than we could ever imagine, especially on days when we should've just let each other go and move on. So no, there's no such thing as regrets, but there are lessons... lessons we bring and apply to be better versions of ourselves. 

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